Be The Habit: The Tale of My Buddy

Thought Things First - Questions Before Answers

How Changing Your Perspective Can Change Your Habits

Be The Habit - The Tale of My Buddy: This essay explains the difference between observing a habit and accepting your actions versus viewing yourself as the habit and observing yourself from that perspective.

Control The Controller: Once you learn how to change your perspective, you will transition from being controlled to becoming the controller.

A quick look at habit models before we begin...

Observational Habit Model: The following story illustrates the concepts of habits and a strategy to improve your habits. This story uses the love and bond between a man and his dog to demonstrate how to observe a habit, i.e., the evidence-based 'Cue—Craving—Response—Reward' model, versus a more powerful technique that goes beyond 'just observing' the habit. In short, instead of watching yourself going, "Oh, there is a chocolate bar, a cigarette, a drink... I think I will have one more than I should." Then, engaging in the often undesired habit, i.e., you are an observer.

Integrated Habit Model—Control The Controller: You change the 'Cue—Craving—Response—Reward' model to the more powerful and effective 'Cue—Craving—Recognize—Strategize—Actualize—Realize—Be The Habit' model. Read more about this model here.

This essay focuses on the most impactful and effective element - Be The Habit.

My Buddy: When we moved into our neighborhood about nine years ago, the first people we met lived next door: Tom and Jenna, along with their dog named 'My Buddy.'

This Bud's For You:  We ultimately found out the golden retriever's name was just Buddy, but Tom always referred to his dog as Hey Buddy, My Buddy, Who's My Buddy, You're My Buddy, Hey Buddy-Buddy, Hey Bud... You get the idea.

A Man And His Dog: My Buddy was more than a pet; he was a cherished family member with eyes that looked directly at you when you talked to him or gave him pets. He knew who you were, and he wanted you to know who he was. 

He had been with them since he was a pup, coming into Tom's life when the last of their children graduated from high school and went off to college. On some level, My Buddy took the place the children had occupied for all those years.

A Friendship Blossomed: I became friends with My Buddy on those occasional weekends when Tom and Jenna had to go out of town to visit family, and I would be charged with walking My Buddy.

Tom always told me, "Watch him! He will control you if you don't control him. If you let him loose in the backyard, he will chase and bark at those damn squirrels for hours and hours!"

Neither Snow Nor Rain Nor Heat Nor Gloom Of Night: It didn't matter if the weather was stormy or windy, cold or hot, My Buddy was walked twice daily. We would see Tom and My Buddy take a walk first thing every morning and then again right before dinner. 

We could look out our kitchen window and see Jenna in the backyard working on her small garden, and My Buddy was prancing around happily. The garden was Jenna's domain because she loved growing vegetables and because Tom had developed a 'bad back.'

Love At First Bark: However, as soon as My Buddy saw Tom, he would bark with glee and then run over to Tom. My Buddy wanted to play ball or be around Tom. Jenna consistently referred to their relationship as love, describing Tom's feelings for My Buddy. It was a bond that spoke of simple, unconditional love, the kind that asked for nothing but companionship.

One Small Step: My Buddy used to leap from the porch, jumping over the five wooden steps directly to the ground. Then, upon returning, My Buddy would leap up to the landing from the walkway over the five porch steps.

As the years passed, I watched age catch up with My Buddy. His once brisk walk was now an amble, and even though he could no longer leap all five steps, My Buddy could still climb the stairs.

A Troubling Diagnosis: Sadly, at fifteen, My Buddy was diagnosed with kidney failure. Despite Tom and Jenna's best efforts to manage his condition, the day came when the vet gently said, "It was time, and the best decision for My Buddy would be to let him go."

Tom looked away and whispered, "Let me get back to you." He knew this was always possible, but he had never thought it would happen so soon. 

A Silent Struggle: Last month, Tom watched My Buddy take 90 seconds to walk up the stairs, which he used to leap over quickly. Now, My Buddy is at the bottom of the stairs, struggling to even get up to the first step. 

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Doggy: Even with his bad back, Tom picked up his beloved My Buddy, all 70 pounds, cradled him close to his chest, and carried his beloved pet to the porch. Tom's eyes were blurred with tears before he hit the top step. He knew it was time. My Buddy probably knew, too.

My Buddy had been a joy, a beacon of happiness through countless ups and downs, and now it was time to say goodbye.

It's Not The Weight, It's How You Carry it: Just as Tom had helped My Buddy up the stairs, Jenna wanted to help Tom. Jenna understood how painful it would be for Tom to take My Buddy back to the vet, and she offered to ease the burden of taking My Buddy alone.

Even though Tom was bereft, he simply said, "I will do it. I will do it for My Buddy."

Later that day, My Buddy was lovingly buried in the backyard next to the tree, so he could now spend all the time he wanted chasing those 'damn squirrels.'

Lonely Walks: Over the next few days, Tom tried to go for a walk, but it was just too hard without My Buddy. 

Jenna was worried and considered how she could help her husband through this transition. She came up with an idea, although she didn't know if the timing was right. In truth, she wasn't even sure Tom would like it, but she knew it was best for everybody.

Getting Over Grief: The following Saturday, Jenna made sandwiches for her and Tom. Then, between bites, she casually said, "I have thought about this, and we need to get you another dog."

Tom's grief bristled into resistance. "I can't," he said firmly, the pain evident in his strained voice, "I just can't replace My Buddy." He paused and then told her the real reason: "I don't know if I can go through this pain again."

Jenna felt frustrated that he had dismissed her suggestion so easily. She was hurt as well. Her heart ached for Tom, for the loss of My Buddy, and herself. 

Tom, It's Time: Jenna said again, "Tom, it's time - it's the right time - for you to make a new friend."

She could tell Tom wasn't interested because he didn't respond, but deep down, she knew Tom was in so much pain.

But Jenna persisted.

The Inflection Point: Tom did not realize it, but he was entering a point of inflection. His perspective was about to be expanded and transformed.

It's Not About You: "Tom," she said, her tone softer. "You think this is about you, but this isn't about you."

Why did Jenna say that? Jenna knew Tom was hurting, and now it seemed as if she was attacking Tom amidst his grief. She continued, undeterred, "You need to change your perspective. This isn't just about you."

Tom just stared blankly, still in grief.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.  Wayne Dyer

It's Not About You, TOM! She paused and then explained, "This is not about you. You need to change your perspective. There's a dog in a shelter right now, sitting alone in a kennel. That dog is lonely and scared and does not understand why it is in the animal shelter. We can improve that dog's life and turn its sadness into joy."

More Perspective: Jenna continued, "You think you are sad, and you think you're hurting? Think about that lonely dog sitting in the animal shelter."

Jenna took out her phone, scrolled for a minute, and then said, "I just checked the hours of the animal shelter, and they're open until 5 o'clock. It's 1 o'clock now. Get ready; we're going. I'm starting the car."

Tom was caught off-guard about 'replacing My Buddy,' so Jenna reached for his hand, squeezing it gently. "Let's just visit the shelter and see how it goes. We're not replacing My Buddy; we're offering a new chapter of love to a creature who needs it and deserves it. We are offering to bring a dog into our lives that we can love and for the dog to love us."

The Perspective Of Perspective: Tom had never considered this perspective. All he thought about was his grief, how sad he was, and the void in his life. Tom had never considered the sadness that a shelter dog might be experiencing, and he looked at it from the perspective that he knew Jenna was right.

They put down their sandwiches, got into their car, and drove to the shelter. 

The Shelter: A Tale of Two Tails: About 20–25 dogs were at the animal shelter that day. It was loud, full of noise, with a lot of barking. The couple walked up and down the aisle several times, but Tom only stopped at one kennel containing a Labrador mix. The female young dog wasn't much more than a pup, jumping around in her cell to work out her boundless energy.

Tom commented, "This might be the dog."

Jenna replied, "She looks awesome. But did you see that Corgi mix dog? She is a bit older but also looks like a great dog."

Is It You, Or Is It Me? Tom acknowledged Jenna but asked the attendant to let the Labrador mix dog out to the small yard. When the leash was placed on the dog, it immediately nuzzled Tom's leg. Tom wondered if it was because of the opportunity to get out of the cage or because of him.

It didn't matter.

Jenna watched as Tom played with the Labrador mix, and she knew her mission was complete. Her husband had a new friend, and the new friend had a new human.

A New Leash On Life: As Tom completed the paperwork, Jenna approached another staff member and quietly said, "Tell me about the Corgi mix."

The attendant said that the previous owner of the Corgi mix had recently died, and there was nobody in the family to take care of the dog, so the dog ended up there. He said it was a good dog, but because she was older, she wasn’t as desirable as a puppy.

One More For The Road: Jenna paused and said, "I'm older, and we want to add that dog to our family, too."

Four Thumbs Up Plus Eight Paws Up: Ultimately, the two happy humans went home with two happy dogs.

Be The Habit: How does this story illustrate the concept 'Be The Habit'?

The Inflection Point — II: There was a point where Tom’s perspective changed from his view, to a broader, global view. A perspective which was more encompassing than his pain.

In effect, this was analogous to the concept of ‘Be The Habit.’

Considering the perspective of a habit, usually a bad habit, it involves observing oneself: "Yep, I feel like one more smoke (or one more chocolate bar) than I need."

Habit Research: This is the classic 'Cue—Craving—Response—Reward' model. Ivan Pavlov, James Clear, BJ Fogg, Charles Duhigg, and many others have studied and researched it.

Observing: Rather than just observing the habit, a more effective approach is first to expand to recognize it and then understand it, i.e., Be The Habit. 

In effect, you should look at yourself from the habit's point of view.

Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes: The Be The Habit concept is illustrated above when Tom shifts his perspective from how sad and troubled HE was to how unhappy and distraught a lonely shelter DOG could be. This change in perspective alters the outcome.

Beyond Observing: By expanding your awareness from the observational 'Cue—Craving—Response—Reward Model' to a more powerful iteration, you are taking control instead of just observing.

The 'Cue—Craving—Recognize—Strategize—Actualize—Realize—Be The Habit' model is a perspective that allows you to inject yourself into your habit, allowing you to understand your habit and ultimately understand it instead of just observing. 

Control The Controller: The compelling component here is expanding your perspective beyond yourself — that is, going from just watching the habit occur, i.e., being controlled by the habit, to watching how, when, and why it impacts you and learning to become the controller.

By understanding and embracing this process, you can make fundamental, powerful changes in your habits and life and perhaps make a big difference in someone else's life, just as Tom did in this story by simply changing his perspective. Tom had his opinion reframed when he went from thinking about himself to thinking about the situation from the shelter dog's perspective, and everything was ultimately better for it. 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." — Carl Jung

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