The Before Rules - First Before Second: Why 'Always Be First' Matters More Than Being Second
Important Things First — Questions Before Answers:
Who were three pairs of renowned business partners who first crossed paths in high school?
Who were five unexpected pairs of successful business partners who first encountered each other purely by chance?
What is the 'Always Be First' technique, and what makes it a proven success?
Whether an extrovert or an introvert, what is the most straightforward and most impactful strategy for connecting with new people?
How To Transform Your Inner Introvert
Introvert's Dilemma - Why Can't We Be Friends? You know the situation: you are suddenly confronted, exposed, and presented with a social problem (y'know, like forced human interaction). What do you do if someone is suddenly approaching in an elevator, at a party, social gathering, hiking on a trail, business meeting, etc.?
Look away
Walk away
Do nothing
Say nothing
All of the above (me)
Why Can't We Be Friends? It's Not You, It's Me: There was a time when I was the super introvert, the wallflower—avoiding eye contact and keeping to myself. I only interacted when it was required.
The map of your journey only makes sense when traced in reverse.
In Retrospect: I understood I missed countless opportunities for connection.
Example 1 — The Environment: Let's consider these well-known partnerships. What is the common factor?
Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak (Apple): Both graduated from Homestead High School -- Wozniak in 1968 and later Jobs in 1972. They met in 1971 through a mutual friend in an electronics hobbyist group and bonded over their love of technology and pranking. This fortuitous meeting led to the founding of Apple Inc. in 1976, as their respective strengths compensated for each other's weaknesses.
Bill Gates and Paul Allen (Microsoft): They both graduated from Lakeside School in Seattle, with Allen graduating in 1971 and Gates in 1973. They bonded over their shared interest in computers. This friendship resulted in the founding of Microsoft in 1975.
Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield (Ben & Jerry's): Both Cohen and Greenfield graduated from Sanford H. Calhoun High School in Merrick, New York in 1969. Despite having known each other since junior high gym class, it wasn't until years later that they reconnected and took a correspondence course in ice cream making. This decision ultimately led to the creation of the famous ice cream brand.
Opportunities are not found; they are created by the choices we commit to.
For these examples, the common factor was that they were initially connected by an environment (their high schools) and had a relatively long exposure period.
Now, let's examine a few situations with a shorter gestation period… instantly.
"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice." --William Jennings Bryan
Example 2 — The Chance And The Choice: Consider these well-known partnerships with a different connector and their choices.
Larry Page and Sergey Brin (Google): In 1995, by pure chance, Brin ended up giving Page a tour of Stanford, a moment neither of them could have predicted would later change the world with the creation of Google. In the end, two people who initially found each other irritating ended up creating a company that brought billions of people together.
John Lennon and Paul McCartney (The Beatles): In 1957, Lennon and McCartney met at a church in Liverpool. Lennon was performing with his band, The Quarrymen, when a mutual friend introduced him to McCartney, who impressed Lennon with his guitar skills. Although the chance meeting seemed unimportant, it eventually led to the formation of The Beatles.
Elton John and Bernie Taupin: John (then Reginald Dwight) met Taupin in 1967 through an unplanned encounter. They each responded to an advertisement by a record company seeking new songwriters. They were paired together by chance, and John found Taupin's lyrics in an envelope handed to him. Together, John and Taupin wrote many of John's biggest hits, including "Your Song," "Rocket Man," and "Candle in the Wind."
Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger (Berkshire Hathaway): Buffett and Munger met by chance at a dinner party in Omaha in 1959, introduced by a mutual friend. They quickly realized they shared similar philosophies on life and investing. Munger became Buffett's business partner at Berkshire Hathaway, where their combined strategies led the company to become one of the most successful investment firms in history.
Mick Jagger and Keith Richards (The Rolling Stones): Jagger and Richards attended the same primary school but were not close friends. They reconnected by chance at the Dartford train station in 1961. Jagger was carrying records by blues artists, which caught Richards' attention, leading to a conversation. This encounter led to the formation of The Rolling Stones, one of the greatest rock bands of all time.
Make The Choice — Take A Chance: What united these pairs was their readiness to act when an opportunity presented itself. (Learn more on How To Create And Catch A Shooting Thought.)
Example 3 — A Story (Groundhog Day): Let's look at the character of Phil Connors, played by Bill Murray, in the movie Groundhog Day. He experienced the 'opportunity' to relive the same day over and over and over again.
At First — Anti-Social: Initially, he was frustrated, self-centered, and uninterested in other people. But as the days went on, he got to know everyone in town intimately, including their secrets, passions, desires, flaws, and dreams.
Later — Pro-Social: Phil's transformation was slow and subtle. He found new ways to care more about the people around him daily.
Transformation: Ultimately, he familiarized himself with the townspeople by taking the initiative. By connecting with the community, Phil realized the importance of being ahead. As the movie progresses, you can observe his transformation into a proactive individual who always strives to be the first.
How Long Did This Take For Phil? According to the scriptwriter and director, the length of time Phil spends in the time loop in Groundhog Day is not specified. Some have estimated it to be around ten years, while others believe it could have been more like 30 or 40 years. (Learn more about the power of repetition to create habits.)
That's a significant time to master the 'Always Be First' technique.
How Long Will This Take For You? While it often takes time to change your habits (Learn more about habits in the article Stockholm Syndrome: The Trojan Horse We Willingly Embrace), you can accomplish the 'Always Be First' technique immediately.
So, What Is The 'Always Be First' Technique?
The 'Always Be First' technique is a subtle but profound approach to human connection. By taking the first step—whether through a smile, a greeting, or an observation—you eliminate the psychological barrier that most people have: the fear of rejection or awkwardness. It works because people are curious and usually return the favor when you reach out first. Being the first to initiate isn't only about starting a conversation; it's about taking charge of your interactions and shaping your reality. It's about turning every social encounter into an opportunity for personal growth, learning, and connection.
The Way We Were: In the mid-80s, I was a partner in a venture capital startup developing urgent care centers nationwide. My role often required travel. On flights, I was the guy who would put on headphones, music playing or not, to avoid any social interaction. I found comfort in solitude, escaping into my thoughts and world.
To connect with someone, listen to them and then ask questions.
Then, I Met My Wife: When I first met my wife, I was stunned by how effortlessly she could converse with people she had never met. She had a unique talent for initiating interactions, often with compliments or questions, usually both.
"The heart of dialogue is simple - the profoundness is to listen." --Lolly Daskal
How Did She Do It? For example, she might say, "That's a lovely ring; I bet there's a story behind it." In just twenty minutes, she would glean every detail about that person: their name, occupation, education, relationship status, interests, family life, residence, the names of their kids and pets, and aspirations.
"The art of conversation lies in listening." --Malcolm Forbes
Maybe I'm Amazed: I was taken aback and surprised. I often found myself within earshot, listening to my wife's conversations. When she finished, I would quip that with all the personal details she gathered, all I needed was to look up their high school mascot, and I could easily access their password.
Fast Forward 20 Years: I watched an interview with big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton. At the end of the conversation, Tim Ferriss sat down with Gabby Reece, Laird's wife and former professional volleyball player who struggled with being introverted. She was asked her secret about how she handles interactions with others and overcomes her natural inclination towards introversion.
Gabby's Secret — First Before Second: Gabby said, "I always say that I'll go first, and so that means if I'm checking out at the store, I'll say hello first. If I'm coming across somebody making eye contact, I'll smile first. If people could experiment with that in their life a little bit."
She continued, "Be first because not all times, but most times it comes in your favor, but then, the response is pretty amazing." She then told the story of being at a park with her kids. There were two women there, and Gabby said, "And I walked by them, and I just looked at them and smiled. This smile came to their face so instantly, they're ready, but you have to go first because now we're being trained in this world; nobody's going first anymore."
The most impactful role models don't tell you what to do; they show you what they do.
Role Models: I used my wife and Gabby as my role models, and then I used cognitive reframing to improve my actions.
"That which you are seeking is also seeking you." --Rumi
Hello. Is It Me You're Looking For? Instead of avoiding social interactions, what if there was a way to change your perspective?
Cognitive Reframing — "I Learn from All I Meet": I shifted my mindset and took responsibility for my growth. Instead of dreading social interactions, I saw them as opportunities for p[personal development. Adopting a new personal mantra, "I learn from all I meet," I approached each encounter with curiosity and openness. Every person became a potential teacher, and every conversation was a chance to expand my understanding and knowledge. Essentially, I changed the boundaries and expanded my comfort zone.
The words and actions we exchanged may fade, but the emotions they generated will forever be within both of you.
Asked More Questions: Ask anybody who knows me, and they will tell you I still have a long way to go, but I have improved.
How Far Have I Progressed? If you ask my wife, on a scale of 1-10, where my comfort level is with social interaction, she would say, "About a four."
A Four? It doesn't sound like much, does it?
But… My wife would add, "He started at -75. So, he's improving."
Build a bridge so many people can cross the chasm.
Why Does The 'Always Be First' Technique Work? Here are a few of the Before Rules that illustrate why this works:
Complex Before Simple: Instead of wondering if you should say something, decide to always be the first to say hello. Psychologist Barry Schwartz's "Paradox of Choice" theory suggests that too many options can lead to decision paralysis. By being the first to engage, we simplify the social equation, reducing anxiety for ourselves and others.
Deposits Before Withdrawals: Robert Cialdini's research on influence highlights the power of reciprocity. When we're the first to offer a smile or a hello, people usually respond in kind, which helps create a friendly vibe.
Action Before Outcome: This is the essence of the 'Always Be First' technique. By taking action—initiating the greeting or interaction—you create the conditions that lead to the desired outcome (a connection, conversation, or opportunity). Without action, the outcome never materializes. This rule emphasizes the importance of being proactive rather than reactive.
Curiosity Before Judgment: Curiosity drives interaction in the 'Always Be First' approach. Rather than making assumptions or judgments about a situation or person, you open the door to understanding by engaging first. This mindset leads to genuine connections and the chance to learn something new about others.
Ice, Ice, Baby — Techniques for Effortless Initiation: Want to 'break the ice?' Here are a few easy ways to get the conversation going.
The Compliment Opener: Observe first, then begin with a genuine compliment. It's a low-risk way to make someone feel appreciated and valued. Observing something unique or interesting about the person shows attentiveness and provides a specific topic to start the conversation.
The Curiosity Gambit: Ask an open-ended question about something in your shared environment. Asking an open-ended question about something in your shared environment shows curiosity and invites the other person to share their thoughts and experiences.
The Shared Experience: Comment on a mutual situation or an environmental surrounding. For instance, I live in Hawaii, where sudden rain showers are frequent. If I'm out on my morning walk and it starts to rain, I might pass someone I know and say, "Back in Seattle, where I grew up, we'd call this the 'second sunniest day ever!'" It adds a bit of humor (at least for me), lightens the moment, and acknowledges that we're both dealing with the same weather.
Mismatch: During my time in Columbus, Ohio, where Buckeyes football is a religion, game days are a sea of scarlet and gray. Whenever I spotted a cashier decked out in their Buckeyes gear, with a straight face and a monotonous tone, I'd say, "So, I'm guessing you're a huge Michigan fan?" The look on their face would go from confusion to near outrage... until that slow realization hit, and the laugh came.
Another Way Is Inject Observation: I noticed the cashier's name tag at the grocery store - Deja.
"It's deja vu all over again." --Yogi Berra
Sometimes (Well, All The Time), I Can Be A Bit Of A Smart Ass: I was trying to come up with something funny about her name. I mentally did the 'deja vu' progression (deja vu, jamais vu, and presque vu), but I couldn't come up with any twist.
My wit must have stayed in the bakery department.
Inverse Crowd Sourcing: Defeated, I resorted to asking her what people usually say about her name. Without looking up, she deadpanned, "Oh, like deja vu. They are all so lame," followed by a fake laugh as she waited for me to enter my credit card.
A Different Point Of Vu: I thought and said to myself, "Well, I can be lamer."
We Have All Been Here Before: I told her, "I have an idea. Why not try this next time someone makes a boring comment (like the one I was about to make): pause, look them in the eyes as if you are surprised, and say, matter-of-factly, 'You've said that to me before.'"
Second, The Other Side Of First. What If You Don't Feel Like 'Always Being First?' Not everyone, including me, is always 'on' for being first.
Respect Your Emotional Limits: Social interactions can be stressful. It's crucial to honor your boundaries and suggest starting with small, manageable steps rather than pushing for immediate, extensive engagement.
Prioritize Your Choice: Your engagement is voluntary. Emphasize that interacting is a personal choice and should be pursued when it feels feasible, avoiding undue pressure.
Recognize The Situation: Being able to differentiate discomfort, self-care, fear, and opportunities for personal growth will increase your awareness.
Celebrate Small Achievements: Begin with low-pressure interactions like casual conversations with familiar faces. Look for something positive in each interaction.
Know When To Hold, Know When To Fold -- Honor Personal Preferences: Understand and respect both your and their individual comfort levels with social interaction. Just as tastes vary, so do social preferences.
Plan Ahead: Simply create a personal strategy that acknowledges situations will occur and how you will respond when necessary.
The Ropes To Know And The Ropes To Skip — Methods To Avoid: Of course, you should avoid a few things (I should know - repeat offender here).
Talking About Controversial Topics: Example: "What are your thoughts on the latest political scandal/situation/candidate?" Enough said.
Using Aggressive or Confrontational Language — You Talking To Me? Sometimes, we need an anti-role model like Robert De Niro's character in the Movie Taxi Driver - see for yourself here.
Talking Only About Yourself: Example: "You know, I just got back from a trip to Europe. Let me tell you all about it. You are going to love it." Conversations should be a two-way street. Preferably, you give them the right-of-way and let them go first.
Starting With An Anti-Compliment: Example: "I bet your shoes are really uncomfortable."
Avoiding these methods can create a more positive and engaging conversation with an unknown person. Remember, the goal is to make the other person feel comfortable and valued, fostering a meaningful connection.
Close Encounters Of The Fifth Kind? I used to see every human encounter as a potential alien abduction of my soul and time, but I've changed my perspective. Now, I'm considering if these encounters could be Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind, which involve positive and friendly communication with what I once thought of as extraterrestrial beings.
How? Change your outlook.
From What's In It For Me To What's In It For You To What's In It For Us? My transformation began when I embraced the idea that every person I meet has something to teach me. Soon, I discovered they could also benefit, and we both changed for the better.
You Had Me At Hello: In the words of Wayne Gretzky, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." So take that first step, say that first hello, and watch as the world opens up in ways you never imagined: for you and for them.
In discomfort, you grow.
Your Thoughts May Vary: Thought Improvement welcomes your constructive comments and invites you to share your perspectives and experiences. Together, we can all refine our understanding and application of these concepts.
Click here for our Disclaimers, Disclosures, Disavowals, And Declarations (aka - I told you so).