Overview: Tuition charges for what you didn’t know. The Moron Tax charges for what you knew and ignored. The aware person recognizes the cost before the pleasure. The moron only becomes aware after others have paid.
Back Thought: In my doctor’s words, it was “A simple procedure.” (FYI - when the procedure is on you, it is never simple.)
The nurse called two days before my surgery to go over the instructions. Check in early. Surgery at 8 a.m. No food after dinner.
She did her job. I didn’t do mine.
I knew the drill. I’d had the same ‘simple’ procedure once before, overnight stay and all.
It Was A RomCom: Dinner was at five. Later, my wife and I settled in to watch a movie. A RomCom. In the opening scenes, the male lead really liked the female lead’s mother. It was going to be a long movie.
My wife got herself a small bowl of ice cream. I got water and said, “Leave it out; I will put it away.”
The ice cream made no argument for itself. It never has to.
I gobbled down half a bowl and put the carton in the freezer.
I didn’t dispute the nurse’s instruction. I simply thought I could negotiate by shrinking the violation.
And I thought a small bowl would make the movie go down easier. It did.
Then it didn’t.
The Next Morning: I arrived with plenty of time. The anesthesiologist worked down her checklist without looking up:
Any severe allergies to medications, latex, or specific foods? Nope.
Do you have any loose teeth, caps, crowns, or difficulty opening your mouth and tilting your neck back? Nope.
Then she got to her third question.
When was the exact time you last ate or drank anything?
“Five p.m.,” I said. Then I paused. “Well, I had a small bowl of ice cream with my wife while we watched a movie.”
Oops: Then I quickly added: “A very small bowl.”
The anesthesiologist still didn’t look up. She skillfully asked, “Which movie?”
I told her.
She asked what time it started.
I paused again. “Nine.”
I realized the movie had kept better time than I had.
She then said she would be right back.
A few minutes later, my doctor walked in. “I hear you enjoyed some ice cream after nine last night.”
I nodded and replied, “There wasn’t much else to do. It was a RomCom.”
He told me hospital policy required twelve hours. Nine o’clock to eight o’clock is eleven, and the ice cream came after the movie started.
“We’re going to have to reschedule you for tomorrow.”
My day was now turning into a horror movie.
Feebly, I said, “I can wait. “
“We have a full schedule today was the response.”
Preliminary Self Diagnosis? I Was A Moron: I bought the ice cream. Everyone else got the bill. I knew the procedure. I knew the rule. Unfortunately, I also knew where the ice cream was.
Return To Sender: I called my wife and asked her to come back and get me.
In the car, I explained the small bowl of ice cream.
She looked at me and summarized concisely: “You were a moron.”
Diagnosis Confirmed: She told me that just apologizing to the doctor doesn’t settle my debt.
My doctor fit me in the next morning. He came in early to do it.
The rule didn’t bend. He did.
I apologized to him.
I had the procedure.
I apologized to him. Then I apologized again. I thought my sincere apologies had somehow settled my blunder.
Do Better: My wife thought differently, “A doctor who comes in early leaves someone at home early. His wife lost a slow morning, and maybe a breakfast together, to a bowl of ice cream she never saw.”
Do Right: So I wrote the doctor’s wife a letter and handed him a sealed envelope. Inside the letter was a gift, a part of an apology words can’t pay.
I had the procedure the next day. Once more, I apologized profusely to my doctor.
Here is what it said. It started with…
Dear Ms., and then I added her name.
Well, umm... You don’t know me, but... I was a moron, actually a FullMoron* and I owe you an apology.
I have apologized a few times to your husband (not sure if I said it the right way, yet...) for screwing up his surgery schedule.
And even though it was 100% my fault, he made the extra effort and got me in the next day.
He didn’t have to. And he was nice about it.
Then my wife told me another person was affected... You.
My moronic masterpiece also cost you a leisurely morning and possibly breakfast with your husband.
Your husband lost some time. You lost some time together.
And neither of you did anything to deserve it.
I’m genuinely sorry.
Now, my wife has a solution for situations like this. She calls it my “Moron Tax.”
It’s the price I pay when my mistakes impact innocent people.
So please accept this gift card as a small payment toward my outstanding balance.
One final suggestion, courtesy of my wife.
She says that if she received this note and gift card, she’d tell her husband the following:
“Some moron sent me an apology card. I threw it away. Nothing you need to worry about.”
Then she’d quietly take the gift card, go shopping, and buy herself something nice.
Her justification?
“I earned it.”
And in this case, I think you did, too.
Thank you for sharing your husband with his patients, especially the ones who occasionally make his life more complicated than necessary.
Please enjoy something entirely for yourself.
With sincere apologies, gratitude, and a down payment on my Moron Tax.
Rod
You think after 50 or so Moron Tax payments I would have this down…
So let’s see what I learned (again)…
Moron Tax Identification: Here are just a few ways to determine if you owe a Moron Tax. Do you owe one? Four questions. Four yeses mean you do.
First, Was There A Warning? The nurse called two days ahead. Did you understand it? I’d been through this exact procedure before. Could you have done otherwise? The ice cream was optional. It always is. Did you do it anyway? A very small bowl.
If any answer is no, you don’t owe a Moron Tax. You paid tuition. Tuition charges for ignorance. The Moron Tax charges for ignoring. Same pain. Different purchase.
If yes, proceed to the next question.
Second, Who Pays? The decision was personal. The bill was distributed.
The Moron Tax is assessed on the one who knew better. The fee is often extracted from whoever is standing closest.
Embarrassment is what the mistake cost you. Responsibility asks what it cost others.
If any answer is no, you don’t owe a Moron Tax. You paid tuition. If yes, proceed to the next question.
Third, What Settles It? An apology acknowledges the break. The tax begins the repair.
A gift card can acknowledge a cost. It cannot purchase forgiveness.
The repair starts when you stop being the center of your own apology.
If any answer is no, you don’t owe a Moron Tax. You paid tuition. If yes, proceed to the next question.
Fourth, Why It Happens: Knowing better is not doing better. Sometimes it just makes the lesson more expensive.
The Moron Tax is the surcharge on “I know, but.”
Small is the Moron Tax’s favorite word. Small bowl. Quick look. Just this once.
If any answer is no, you don’t owe a Moron Tax. You paid tuition. If yes, get out your wallet.
In Sum: The Moron Tax is assessed on the person who knew better. Too often, it is collected from people who never had a choice.
In sum, The Moron Tax is assessed on the person who knew better. Too often, it is collected from people who never had a choice.
FullMoron: When I really screw up, full moron becomes one word, and first letter capped. Learn how to extinguish your inner critic, that little voice that calls me (you?) FullMoron*
This technique will turn that nagging voice into an asset.